


Kurobasu-san: A very detailed and thorough episode guide

by inverse



Category: Kuroko no Basuke | Kuroko's Basketball, おそ松さん | Osomatsu-san (Anime)
Genre: Aliens, Alternate Universe - Idols, Bad Fic, Boyband, Class Differences, Cultural References, Family Drama, Fast Food, Fist bumps, Gen, Inappropriate Erections, Purple, Reboot, colorful merchandise, kagami/hamburgers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-31
Updated: 2016-01-31
Packaged: 2018-05-14 12:19:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,092
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5743600
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inverse/pseuds/inverse
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(midorima voice) MUSCLE MUSCLE! HUSTLE HUSTLE!</p><blockquote>
  <p>In commemoration of Fujimaki Tadatoshi’s 50th birthday, Weekly Shonen Jump and Production I.G. decided to revive the very beloved basketball manga and anime series, Kuroko no Basuke, which ran in Jump from 2008 to 2014, and was by all measures a massive nationwide hit. Fans were given the opportunity to vote on the plot of the newly-animated anime, which would be kept secret until the airing of the programme itself.</p>
  <p>The reboot was also an unprecedented success, generating billions of dollars in DVD and merchandise sales, far surpassing what its predecessor had ever made. For those who were unlucky enough to miss the meteoric re-uprising of this iconic series – luckily for you, we have provided a blow-by-blow recap of all 12 episodes below. Enjoy!</p>
</blockquote>
            </blockquote>





	Kurobasu-san: A very detailed and thorough episode guide

**Author's Note:**

> rated T for Terribleness

In commemoration of Fujimaki Tadatoshi’s 50th birthday, Weekly Shonen Jump and Production I.G. decided to revive the very beloved basketball manga and anime series, Kuroko no Basuke, which ran in Jump from 2008 to 2014, and was by all measures a massive nationwide hit. Fans were given the opportunity to vote on the plot of the newly-animated anime, which would be kept secret until the airing of the programme itself.

The reboot was also an unprecedented success, generating billions of dollars in DVD and merchandise sales, far surpassing what its predecessor had ever made. For those who were unlucky enough to miss the meteoric re-uprising of this iconic series – luckily for you, we have provided a blow-by-blow recap of all 12 episodes below. Enjoy!

 

 

EPISODE 1:

The arena darkened as the stage lights started to flash in a myriad of colors. The fans sitting in the stadium began to scream and wave their lightsticks as the large LCD screens on stage lighted up with exciting graphics. Then, the floor of the main stage started to rise. Six figures, four tall and two short, were standing on it. And then, when the elevated platform came to a stop and the lights came on, the crowd cheered wildly.

It was just another day for the popular idol group that was sweeping girls off their feet all over Japan - Miracle’z.

“AKA…” “ _BASU!_ ”

“AO…” “ _BASU!_ ”

“MIDO…” “ _BASU!_ ”

“MURA…” “ _BASU!_ ”

“KISE…” “ _BASU!_ ”

“KURO…” “ _BASU!_ ”

“FUJIMAKI…” “ _TADATOSHI!!!!!_ ”

Everyone took turns to discreetly flash their abs while doing backflips and stuff across the stage. It’s unbearably sexy. Oh so hot. Skin shimmering with the faintest sheen of sweat, lubricant, and motor oil. Someone in the front row fainted from heat exhaustion, like that one time I went to some K-Pop boyband’s fanmeeting.

They gathered backstage after the successful concert and got ready to destroy an incoming meteor with some sweet outer space slam dunks.

“Five minutes to clean up, everyone,” Akashi announced, hardly winded after two hours of singing, dancing, and out-of-character fanservicing, while Kuroko laid down on the couch in the dressing room and prepared to die.

“Oi, Tetsu, don’t die yet. The fic isn’t over,” said Aomine, holding out a bucket for him to puke into.

“By the way, Murasakibara,” said Akashi smoothly, “your name is too long to type. From now on, you will be known as Purple.”

“O~kay,” drawled Purple without a care in the world. He was fine as long as he had his snacks. In fact he was snacking on two Maiubo right then, one in each hand – sakura shrimp and wasabi flavor and chocolate licorice popcorn flavor, both limited edition seasonal releases.

“Are you sure we want to go with this idol premise for this season?” questioned Kise, touching up his eyeliner in the mirror. “I mean, I definitely more than pass when it comes to looks and charisma, but I don’t know about the rest of you.”

“It is statistically proven that anime about idols have much larger fanbases, and their fans are extremely dedicated. This bodes well for sales, so we decided to go down this route (source: Department of Totally False and Made-up Statistics, Government of Japan),” Kuroko quipped, sitting up from where he was previously puking into the bucket. Okay, that’s not a real reason, but everyone likes anime about idols, right?! Singing and dancing are very entertaining activities especially when done by attractive people, as attractive as one can get wearing those frilly military jackets with tassels which seem to be a staple of the idol industry.

“UtaPri has the same exact plot about angsty rich kids at an elite school, except with flamboyant singing instead of flamboyant basketball. They’re multicolored too. Everyone’s multicolored nowadays. We don’t need any more of these shows around.”

Just then, their manager-cum-coach Shirogane (whichever one you prefer) burst into the dressing room.

“Please stop arguing, everyone!” he cried. “All of you are multicolored in your own way. Every multicolored group of oddly talented teenagers is unique. I hope that all of you can realize how special your bond is. In order for this to happen, I will have no choice but to adopt all of you.”

Everyone was so overjoyed by the news that they gathered into a loving group hug. From now on, they would be family. It would make them closer~ than~ ever~.

“Wait, the meteor!” Midorima said, emerging from their group hug, sounding alarmed. “We completely forgot about it.”

“T-5 to impact,” Akashi said, looking at the very expensive watch that his father commissioned NASA to make for him for his last birthday. It could tell the time and date in 118 different countries right down to the last millisecond, the shifting positions of all the different planets in the universe, the delicate balance of powers in the United States Congress, and, yes, the proximity of any meteors to our precious planet Earth. “Miracle’z, let’s go!!!”

They shot off into space and destroyed the meteor with their oh-so-awesome combined basketball prowess and their new awesome feelings of brotherhood. It is here that I realize that I completely missed the opportunity to make a Meteor Jam joke, but seeing how Kagami hasn’t made his appearance yet, I don’t see how I can do it. Please leave a suggestion in the comments if you have a good idea.

Finally, world peace was achieved.

_[The OP starts playing. It is performed by a project group formed from the members of GRANRODEO and OLDCODEX, called AMERICAN ☆ FEDEX. Features stills of Midorima being an associate professor at Harvard and Aomine wearing sparkly pants and sunglasses and acting cool. For sheer coincidences, aren’t these pretty in-character?!]_

 

 

EPISODE 2:

So begins the peaceful life of our six adopted brothers who are absolutely very close to one another and who love one another very much.

“I still don’t know why we have to be NEETs,” complained Midorima, pushing up his glasses with his bandaged middle finger. It might have been a sign. Or not.

“Take away the basketball, and what do you have?” drawled Aomine, lying on the floor, legs under the kotatsu. “Even I know that much.”

“I’m not a NEET,” Kise frowned, propping up his perfect face with both hands. He winked for no reason. “I’m popular and outgoing. Honestly, you’re the only likely NEET candidate around here, Aominecchi.”

“NEET stands for Not in Education, Employment or Training, so you could be popular and outgoing and still be a NEET, Kise,” explained Akashi kindly in his very gentlemanly manner. He did it very slowly too just so that Kise could understand it.

Purple was eating a large packet of potato chips (consomme flavor).

They were all wearing hoodies that matched the color of their hair. I seriously think this is marketing genius, regardless of how accidental it was. No one would want to buy the cute colorful merchandise if all the figures had black or brown hair. If you color-code everything all the fangirls freak out when they so much as see a Christmas tree.

Which brings us to our final sextuplet.

Momoi was sitting where Kuroko should have been, the baby pink sweater she was wearing matching wonderfully with her silky hair. Sorry, Kuroko. Maybe you would have been here if you were pink-colored instead.

“Oi, where’s Tetsu?” Aomine asked her. “He’s the only person I can fist some balls with – fist bumps with – bump my fists with. Shit, forget I said any of that.”

“I don’t know either,” huffed Momoi. “I wish he was here in your place instead, you know!”

“I think we all miss Kuroko equally, both of you. There’s only one way to find out where he is,” said Akashi like a very wise old owl.

 

 

EPISODE 3:

The loving adopted sextuplets search the neighbourhood and find out that Kuroko has moved in across the street. He wants to become a vanilla shake idol in order to support his parents’ book café. No I will not be making a milkshake/yard joke but I might as well have after pointing this out.

They play some streetball, win some money, and sponsor Kuroko’s first concert, which takes place on the stage in the café where a live band sometimes comes to play on weekend nights. There is no audience except for the six of them and all the other customers are left wondering if this is a hidden camera segment for a variety show, cautiously looking out for signs of a camera crew wandering around the corner.

Kuroko is dancing in a giant vanilla shake costume. It looks cushy.

“My vanilla shake brings all the boys to the yard,” he talk-sing-raps, making intimate eye contact with each of his ardent supporters with those dead staring eyes of his. “And they’re like, it’s better than yours.”

“DAMN RIGHT, IT’S BETTER THAN YOURS!” chorus the smitten Miragens.

“Tetsu-kuuuun~~!!!! Tetsu-kun, you’re soooo hoootttttt!!!!!” Momoi screams, then promptly gets a nosebleed and keels over.

 

 

EPISODE 4:

It turns out that Kagami has opened a hamburger food truck down the street after failing to successfully franchise Maji Burger. Everyone heads there to eat, except Akashi, Midorima, and Purple (by association, because it would be odd for him to hang out with the burger kids. Could you imagine how awkward that would be).

“We already made a reservation at a Michelin-starred kaiseki restaurant, so we can’t let it go to waste,” said Akashi. “We will join you next time. Please enjoy yourselves.” You can take the kids away from the old money but you can’t take the old money away from the kids.

After they finished eating, the burger kids went to play some streetball. Momoi sat on the bench and cheered them on, but particularly Kuroko. Meanwhile, the upper class trio had a marvellous kaiseki lunch in a private dining room. They were serenaded by a live violinist playing Paganini’s greatest hits, followed by some splendid Mozart concertos, and finished off the meal with some expensive sake.

Such was the status quo. They were men of two different worlds.

If you’ve noticed, Purple has near to no lines in this fic. I just don’t know what to write about him. Sorry, Purple fans. Truly and sincerely. How many of you are there anyway? That’s right, that’s what I thought.

 

 

EPISODE 5:

Aomine visits Kagami’s hamburger food truck because he feels upset about being the only plausible NEET candidate within the Miragen. Truly, take away the basketball and he had nothing left except the lobsters and his Horikita Mai photobooks. It was very likely that he was going to grow up living off horse race and pachinko winnings, unlike everyone else who was going to Harvard, even Kise, who did not have two neurons to rub together.

This episode spawns 2000000000 Aokaga fanfics and is received very warmly by Kagami fans, who have felt that he has not received enough screentime ever since the reboot of the anime started, even though he was a major character in the original series.

“I’m very delighted to see Kagami-kun play a major role in the story again,” says a viewer who only identifies herself as Juri-san from Fukuoka, in a letter to Production I.G.’s office. Juri-san, how do you know Kagami-kun will be playing a major role in the story again? He has only appeared twice in five episodes and runs a goddamned hamburger food truck for fuck’s sake, we don’t have stories to write about hamburgers.

_“Hey, Kagami. I have an idea,” Aomine growled, the hint of a smirk appearing on his lips. “Why don’t you comfort me?” The bass notes in his voice sent chills down Kagami’s spine and triggered some primal instinct within him. He didn’t know why he was shivering – from fear, or something else? His palm was getting sweaty. He couldn’t hold his spatula properly anymore. He could feel his grip loosening on the grooved handle._

_Aomine reached for the bottle of mayonnaise that sat in the basket of condiments, removed the top bun, then squeezed it all over the burger. He smirked harder as he noticed the sheen of sweat forming on Kagami’s forehead. Kagami watched as the mayonnaise melted in the heat of the burger and became all runny, dissolving over the cracks on the uneven surface of the grilled beef. He came from a family of traditionalists and he knew, deep in his heart, that plain mayonnaise had no place in a cheeseburger. That was not how his parents raised him. But one saucy look from Aomine, who was biting now into his newly-reassembled Frankenburger, was all it took for him to lose his balance and fall onto the countertop for support. He recalled the time when he had succumbed to the temptation and squeezed mayonnaise onto his burger too, away from his parents’ prying eyes – by god, he was only ten, a guileless, innocent child – but it was secretly one of the best things he had ever tasted. He still had dreams about it to this day._

_The spatula clattered to the floor. Kagami’s sweaty palms found respite on the counter’s plastic surface. Trembling, he realized something most horrible._

_He was getting an erection._

 

 

EPISODE 6:

Purple gets an episode to himself! Congratulations, Purple.

It’s a heartwarming episode about him looking for a lost bag of Maiubo that he bought with the last of his pocket money. In the end he finds it with everybody’s help.

Yes, that’s it.

What?

 

 

EPISODE 7:

Midorima and Akashi were having a Serious Conversation while the rest of the Miraculous Sextuplets ran around doing dumb things befitting their lacking intellect.

“I really don’t see how this is a proper Osomatsu-san parody at all,” complained Midorima, ever the stick in the mud.

“Why, Midorima,” explained Akashi with his annoying know-it-all smile and folded arms signalling his superiority in every way. “It’s the crass, off-kilter sense of humor that makes no sense at all. Or at least, it’s being attempted, very poorly.”

Do you ever wonder if Ono Daisuke and Kamiya Hiroshi ever get tired of being a package deal… 

Speaking of Osomatsu-san, don’t you wish Sakurai Takahiro was given a role in Kuroko no Basuke? I sure know I do :((((( Every time I hear his voice happy fluffy alpacas gallop across the vast plateau that is my empty heart. It’s just like, really nice, right??? Actually, as I was thinking to myself, “Maybe we should create a character for Sakurai to voice, like an annoying American antagonist,” I realized that we didn’t have to! We _already_ have an annoying American antagonist in the form of Nash Gold Jr., the current target of the entire fandom’s wrath and spite. Casting Sakurai in that role would certainly make Nash much more likeable and increase sales if they ever decided to make Nash merchandise, like tiny menacing Kotobukiya One Coin Mini Figures. Methinks there is more than enough time to create a petition in time for that!

Actually, I was going to make more seiyuu jokes, but with the same few dudes being cast for every anime imaginable, what even is the point of making seiyuu jokes anymore?

A polar bear, a panda, and a penguin walk into a bar… 

 

 

EPISODE 8:

Kuroko visited Kagami’s food truck deep in the night, when all the NEETs were asleep. It was a very sexy and romantic time of day, laced with hidden, unsaid passions. The moon shone down on them, emitting waves of mysticism. He ordered a hamburger and looked Kagami squarely in the eye.

“We could be Milkshake Boy and Hamburger Man,” he whispered seductively, seducing Kagami with his trademark dead-eyed stare. “Think about it.” Then he took a sexy bite out of his burger like Paris Hilton in her Carl’s Jr. advertisement.

Kagami gulped. It was true. There was nothing sexier than a sizzling quarter-pound, 40-60 hamburger cooked over an open-flame grill, placed between two buttered buns atop a slice of melting American plastic, I mean cheese, covered with a bed of fresh iceberg lettuce and a slice of beefsteak tomato, drizzled heavily with a special sauce made of ketchup, mayonnaise, and mustard, and then served with a bucket of hot, just-fried skin-on gourmet fries slathered with sour cream and sprinkled with chives and a tall glass of hand-churned milkshake made from the finest vanilla bean ice-cream spiced with nutmeg and cinnamon. Just think about that orgasmic blast of flavors in your mouth. Damnit, I made myself hungry typing up all that.

“F…fries,” he stammered finally when he calmed down enough. His palms were sweating, and not just from the heat of the griddle. Lately it was becoming a problem. “We need the fries.” 

“Fries?”

“You can’t have hamburgers and milkshakes without fries,” Kagami hissed like a feral cat.

“Right,” said Kuroko, a clipped tone to his voice. He would rather milkshake Kagami’s hamburger all by himself than let any fries get in the way, but if that was the only way to win Kagami over, then…

“We will now begin the Milkshake Boy and Hamburger Man (with Fries) Selection Interview,” began Kuroko, as the NEETs took their seats in front of him. For Kagami-kun, he would steel his heart and conduct the interview right to its very bitter end.

Hey, I just realized – why didn’t this series get Nendoroids? They would sell like hotcakes. Think of your favorite tiny Miracle slam dunking into a tiny basketball hoop just like those Hinata and Kageyama Nendos volleyballing at each other. You could make them all fist bump. A seven-way fist bump. By the combined powers of Captain Planet, etc. Get on it, Good Smile Company.

 

 

EPISODE 9:

The anime experiences a strange, sudden decline in quality of animation. This is perhaps due to the limited budget that the studio was given, therefore forcing the studio to save up for the finale and to outsource the work to poorly-skilled animation interns, and on severe time constraints, too. Have some empathy and stop complaining on 4chan, idjits!

In this episode there is a five-minute recap of the previous episode in the beginning, which reminds us that Kuroko was about to entice Kagami into becoming a fast food performing duo with him. However, Kagami was adamant on getting the fries as well, because what was a hamburger without fries? That’s just like pizza without cheese. Peanut butter without jelly. Oreos without milk.

Kise wins the selection interview, mostly because he was yellow like fries. Congratulations, Kise-kun!

“What, that’s all?” Kise cried, eyes welling up with crocodile tears. “That’s so mean, Kurokocchi! Why would you skip over my crowning moment of glory? I worked hard for this!”

“Quiet or I’ll sub you out for Akashi-kun,” snapped Kuroko. (A/N: Fries with… ketchup, maybe.)

This episode spawns 5000000000 band AU fanfics where Milkshake Boy and Hamburger Man square off against Fries with Ketchup (classical crossover electro-pop dance duo comprised of Akashi and Kise). I don’t think Milkshake Boy and Hamburger Man would really go anywhere (except the fanservice would really be over the top and that would keep them afloat for maximum two years), but Fries with Ketchup could probably make some waves in the local indie music scene.

 

 

EPISODE 10:

The decline in animation quality continues.

The darkness in Kuroko’s heart turns him into a giant robot that terrifies urban Japan, but with the help of his friends he manages to come to terms with himself. He will not let them die for nothing. As he contemplates the illusion of reality and finally gains enlightenment, the memories of his dead friends congratulate him. The description of this entire segment is a dead giveaway that I have no clue what the plot of Evangelion is.

“Congratulations, Kuroko!” said Kagami, grinning.

Everybody started clapping.

“Congratulations, Tetsu,” said Aomine. There were tears in his eyes.

“Congratulations, Kurokocchi,” said Kise, winking again for no good reason.

“Congratulations, Tetsu-kun,” said Momoi.

“Congratulations, Kuroko,” said Midorima.

“Congratulations, Kurochin,” said Purple.

“Congratulations, Kuroko,” said Akashi, meaning it from the very bottom of his heart.

“Thank you, everyone,” smiled Kuroko. He was so happy. At least when he was here in this alternate reality, they could be perfectly normal bestselling idols moonlighting as NBA über-athletes.

 

 

EPISODE 11:

This episode is a recap of the entire season so far. Budget, saved! Good job, Ministry of Finance!!!

 

 

EPISODE 12:

No fucking around anymore, people. We are in a dire situation. It is the final episode of the season and there has been no plot, no buildup, no climax, no meaning. Kind of like a certain something we’re all very familiar with.

The Generation of Miracles was on the brink of defeat by the space basketball aliens. The spectators watched in hushed awe. They were too afraid to even breathe. Now, Kuroko was the last man left standing. Everyone else was lying on the floor of the basketball court, almost unconscious even from their combined miraculous efforts. Midorima was being rushed to the hospital. They had been beaten sorely.

“Is this all the Generation of Miracles can do?” the aliens laughed evilly. “This is disappointing. We heard so much about all of you. That’s why we came to Earth to defeat you, but this was too easy.”

Kuroko held the ball in his hands. There was a subtle warmth emanating from it. It was the souls of all his friends. The spectators gasped in unison as he started to glow with a sharp white light.

“I will show you what we are all capable of,” he announced. He could hear voices coming from inside the ball. Those were his friends, calling out to him. If he closed his eyes, he could feel all their souls joining together as one, combining within him. He could see the doors at the bottom of the Zone. Slowly they opened… and standing in there, along a red-carpeted hallway, were all of his friends. Kuroko walked down the hallway, passing them by, one by one. Kagami, Kise, Midorima, Aomine, Purple… and at the very end, Akashi.

“I have no doubt that you are ready to see the God of Basketball, Kuroko,” Akashi smiled. “Make sure you succeed. You only have one chance.”

Behind Akashi, there was a podium. Kuroko was blinded by the light that resonated from the God of Basketball. As the light subsided, he could finally see.

The God of Basketball was… him. It was Kuroko himself.

Kuroko opened his eyes.

“I did not achieve all this power by myself,” he told the aliens, who looked on at the glowing Kuroko, puzzled and slightly afraid. “It was only through the joy of playing basketball with my friends that I was able to attain such power to defeat you.”

Then he ripped a hole in the space-time continuum and Misdirected the aliens into a black hole in the deepest ends of the universe, assisted by the appropriate CGI effects.

 _I knew I could believe in you, my best friend,_ thought all of the Miracles with a contented smile on each of their faces. Then they lost consciousness.

All of them woke up gradually after being nursed back to health, with Purple taking three whole months to regain consciousness. Everyone thought he was a goner.

They officially retired from basketball and returned to being the world’s bestselling idol group, with new member Kagami in the fray – Miracle’z. Now, with seven members, they could finally put someone in the middle, and all their choreographies looked better. Their concerts at Tokyo Dome became infamous for selling out in a matter of seconds and paralyzing ticket sales websites on a frequent basis.

Sometimes during rehearsals, Kuroko would sit on the steps of the stage unnoticed, looking towards the backs of all his friends who were working so hard on performing the best that they could. Without basketball, they wouldn’t have come so far together. It was through basketball that their hearts and minds were finally as one.

 _Thank you, basketball,_ he thought to himself, smiling.

All’s well that ends well!

 

 

Alright, folks! Thanks for watching! Remember to support the franchise by purchasing the manga from all licensed bookstores, or DVDs of the anime from approved vendors. You can also purchase merchandise such as [figures](https://myanimeshelf.com/upload/dynamic/2014-01/03/dxf_info22.jpg), [posters](http://progmonot.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/tumblr_static_98ab222fbxssgkkc4wgs0kg0w1.jpg), [can badges](http://st.cdjapan.co.jp/pictures/l/00/04/NEODAI-9012.jpg) (umm these are actually pretty damn cute!!!!), [keychains](http://p2.i.ntere.st/45ba5b8c37b7e2c84e6404f69e048782_480.jpg), [watches](http://pbs.twimg.com/media/B4dluR5CQAAZnDj.jpg:large), [clothes](https://sociorocketnewsen.files.wordpress.com/2013/09/kuroko_02.jpg?w=580), [perfume](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BrlAZaICAAAGgAe.jpg:large), etc. to show your support for the series. The better sales are, the faster the Extra Game movie will be green-lit!

And help me send in a petition to Good Smile for those Nendoroids. I really want those made!

**Author's Note:**

> i blame this entire fic on the space jam theme song which i was listening to on repeat while writing


End file.
